Yes Lord, I Hear You.
On Tuesday February 12th I answered the phone at my office. The connection was terrible. I could hardly understand the caller. Her words were mushed together, loud and pitchy. I struggled to understand her, apologizing repeatedly for the connection. Over the next hour I took three more calls from different callers all with same horrible connection. It gradually began to dawn on me that the problem was not the connection, but with my ears; or more accurately my left ear. My phone is on the left side of my desk so when I answer I instinctively put it to my left ear.
As the day progressed the problem got worse. Anyone talking on my left side was difficult to comprehend. I could hear the words but I could not process the meaning fast enough. I texted my husband, "hey, not to worry you or anything but I'm having crazy hearing problems today. Very weird. Not painful just disorienting and annoying. Pray for my ears." He called me within minutes to get the story. Truthfully it was a little painful. And annoying was an understatement. I had to restrain myself from snapping at a few people whose fast speech and impatience were pounding my ear drum.
On the urging of my husband and a coworker I called my insurance company. I had known for a while that there had been a screw up in assigning my primary care doctor but I had neglected to have it corrected. I managed to get them to assign me a new doctor, but when I called to make an appointment I found out the new doctor was not accepting new patients. By that time it was too late call back the insurance company. I was so frustrated and uncomfortable that I was near tears. I didn't want to lose my peace so I hung up and prayed. I would just bear through it. It would pass.
I live in Canoga Park. I work in Marina Del Rey. It's an hour drive, but I take PCH and stop at the beach each morning to spend time with God. It's wonderful. I have been praying for the last few months to be more and more filled with the Holy Spirit. Each taste of Him I get leaves me craving more. God has taught me a lot. But I still had not received the full presence I had been praying for. Each morning I thank God in a very general sort of way for all His many blessings, but I seldom enumerate them. That morning at the beach I had actually listed out some of them. "Thank you Lord, that I can walk, and, talk, and see, and HEAR and smell..." I went on. How ironic that God should choose to diminish something I had just thanked Him for.
Wednesday at the beach was wonderful. My physical hearing was off, but my spiritual hearing was on fire! I was filled with love for God and waited in a strange new quietness for Him to speak. I wrote in my journal, "Here I wait. Here He will come. Not this beach, but this place within me. This small corner of soul quiet. This moment of waiting and anticipation. I am waiting for you Lord. I am listening...my still small voice singing out into the darkness, a mating call to Your own. Deep calling unto Deepest Love." It was strange, and I still don't think I could describe it, but something was awakening inside me. Wednesday was difficult with my ear. I started answering the phone with my right ear to compensate. But it wasn't really enough. My office can be loud. And the cacophonous noises in my left ear were overriding my right. But I felt God drawing nearer. That night my husband asked if I had called the insurance company again. No, I had not. I tried to give him my best comic-pathetic look, but he wasn't falling for it.
Thursday morning at the beach was beyond amazing. I have two books with daily readings that I meditate on. The first one that day was about the friendship of Christ and how He never leaves or forsakes us. The second one was about how God puts us often through the fire to purge us of things that are not of Him. As contradictory as those might seam I felt as if I were living them both at that very moment. I was being given to the flames in way with my ear, but the presence of God was so profound, so abundant and loving, that I actually did not care. I wrote that day,"as the need is in me, so is God present offering Himself as the fulfillment of my deepest prayers. Thank you God, oh Consuming Fire, oh Constant Friend!"
That day I called a few potential doctors on the approved physicians list and found one that was accepting new patients and made an appointment for Friday morning. I would have to see the Physician's Assistant this time but that would have to do. I called the insurance company and got myself reassigned to that medical group. The whole day I was filled with the peace of the Holy Spirit. I was going through a fire but I was not alone. It was awesome! That night my husband assured me that God would heal me. He was praying for it. I believed it, but there was a part of me that was actually enjoying it. Not the discomfort and disorienting effects on my ear, but the awesome presence of God. If this is what it takes to hear from God, I would gladly sacrifice a little hearing loss. My husband was happy I was hearing from God, but he insisted, "yes but God IS going to heal you."
Friday morning I spent my time with God on the couch in my apartment but He was just as profoundly present. I often struggle with taking God with me when I leave the beach. It's easy to rest in God looking at the ocean, but once you start driving in LA traffic, faith gets tested. Even more so when I hit the non- stop pace of my job. But there He was with me in my living room. And He went with me to the doctors office too. I was filled with peace, joy even. They tested my hearing. My right ear was fine, but I had lost 25% of the hearing in my left. The lower tones were gone which explained why everything was so shrill and pitchy. Twenty five percent in four days. The likely cause, a random virus that had attacked the ear. "We have to treat it fast," said the Physicians Assistant, "the treatment is a bit harsh. High doses of prednisone for two weeks. The side effects are tough. But if we want any chance of reversing this we can't wait." This was the first suggestion that my hearing loss, already one quarter gone, could be permanent. But within me there was such an inexplicable stillness and peace that it registered only as the barest flicker. I truly did not care. 75% was hardly total deafness. I could live with that. Especially if it meant I would hear from God and feel His presence so constantly. "But God is going to heal you," said my husband again as I talked to him from the pharmacy while waiting for my prescription.
Friday night, for no particular reason I downloaded a book on fasting and prayer. Pastors Mel and Desiree at our church (In His Presence in Woodland Hills, CA) had spent an entire month on the subject in January. A lot of people in the church had fasted for different periods of time. I felt drawn to do it, but I kept brushing it off. I was praying to be filled with the Holy Spirit, I didn't have time for that fasting stuff. A week before my cousin James had posted a photo of his reading list on Facebook, a stack of books on faith. The bottom one, the foundational one you could say, was called "Fasting for a Breakthrough". The title and subject had been poking its way into my thoughts for days, but I did not really make the connection. The short book I downloaded was from a different author, but it pretty much condensed exactly what our Pastors had been preaching.
God let it marinate in me all day Saturday as I spent the day with my Goddaughter Mina. We went to the Kidspace Museum in Pasadena. There are wonderful hands on educational exhibits. At one point she lifted a large seashell to my left ear. "You can hear the whales in this one!" But the low echoed tones from the large shell were among those I had lost. I shifted the shell to my right ear, "ah, now I hear it!" I said. The puzzled look on her face stung me a bit. Something inside me asked, "do you really want it to be this way for the rest of your life?" I pushed it aside. I was grateful for this trial. God was with me. I had not even experienced a single side effect of the prednisone. Praise The Lord! No reason to complain or feel sorry for myself!
Today, Sunday morning, my readings were on the necessity of obedience in order to experience the Holiness of God. There it was suddenly clear as day, I needed to fast. For a whole month God had spoken to me through our Pastors to fast. It was the path to being filled with His Spirit. The answer I had been praying for, I had also been steadfastly avoiding. I was one of those of whom Christ said, "you have ears, but you have not heard." And so to get me to listen, God struck my hearing. Finally after six days, the message was getting through. I spoke to my husband about it. "I think God wants me to fast. One day per week at least through Lent. Maybe longer. But that's what He's asking." I confessed that I'd felt pulled to do it in January but had avoided it. He admitted the same. He'd never been brought up on the concept in his childhood church so it was a bit foreign to him. I had learned it, but I was just lazy.
I made the decision to obey right then and there. But I was still holding onto my hearing loss like a spiritual security blanket.
We went to church and both Pastors Mel and Desiree were speaking together about healing. Seriously, how much more in my face could God get with these two! They shared their own experience of healing and reviewed scripture after scripture on healing. They were wearing me down but I did not realize it at first. Then they said something that cracked the shell on my brain. "God does not want you to be sick. You are the temple of God. He wants you to be whole." I don't know if those were the exact words, but that's what I heard in my spirit. At the end everyone who needed healing was asked to stand. I admit it was kind of hard to let my precious little crutch go, but God was asking for it. And I wanted and needed to obey. I stood and asked God to heal me. I didn't notice a change but decided to believe for it anyway.
After church I began to run a few errands. I could feel God with me. I must have had a blissful look on my face because total strangers were smiling at me for no apparent reason. Everywhere I went I prayed for God to give me someone to be good to. At one point as I was driving a song began to play on on the radio. It's a Christian station, so everything is uplifting. With the first notes, I felt a pop in my left ear. A few seconds later two more smaller pops. My hearing was restored. Crazily the title of song, (which is actually about relationships being healed, not bodies) was Restore.
I laughed out loud, "God! You just healed me didn't you!?" I tested it out when I got home by playing back an old voicemail on my cellphone. Both ears sounded the same. I guess I finally I got the message.
As the day progressed the problem got worse. Anyone talking on my left side was difficult to comprehend. I could hear the words but I could not process the meaning fast enough. I texted my husband, "hey, not to worry you or anything but I'm having crazy hearing problems today. Very weird. Not painful just disorienting and annoying. Pray for my ears." He called me within minutes to get the story. Truthfully it was a little painful. And annoying was an understatement. I had to restrain myself from snapping at a few people whose fast speech and impatience were pounding my ear drum.
On the urging of my husband and a coworker I called my insurance company. I had known for a while that there had been a screw up in assigning my primary care doctor but I had neglected to have it corrected. I managed to get them to assign me a new doctor, but when I called to make an appointment I found out the new doctor was not accepting new patients. By that time it was too late call back the insurance company. I was so frustrated and uncomfortable that I was near tears. I didn't want to lose my peace so I hung up and prayed. I would just bear through it. It would pass.
I live in Canoga Park. I work in Marina Del Rey. It's an hour drive, but I take PCH and stop at the beach each morning to spend time with God. It's wonderful. I have been praying for the last few months to be more and more filled with the Holy Spirit. Each taste of Him I get leaves me craving more. God has taught me a lot. But I still had not received the full presence I had been praying for. Each morning I thank God in a very general sort of way for all His many blessings, but I seldom enumerate them. That morning at the beach I had actually listed out some of them. "Thank you Lord, that I can walk, and, talk, and see, and HEAR and smell..." I went on. How ironic that God should choose to diminish something I had just thanked Him for.
Wednesday at the beach was wonderful. My physical hearing was off, but my spiritual hearing was on fire! I was filled with love for God and waited in a strange new quietness for Him to speak. I wrote in my journal, "Here I wait. Here He will come. Not this beach, but this place within me. This small corner of soul quiet. This moment of waiting and anticipation. I am waiting for you Lord. I am listening...my still small voice singing out into the darkness, a mating call to Your own. Deep calling unto Deepest Love." It was strange, and I still don't think I could describe it, but something was awakening inside me. Wednesday was difficult with my ear. I started answering the phone with my right ear to compensate. But it wasn't really enough. My office can be loud. And the cacophonous noises in my left ear were overriding my right. But I felt God drawing nearer. That night my husband asked if I had called the insurance company again. No, I had not. I tried to give him my best comic-pathetic look, but he wasn't falling for it.
Thursday morning at the beach was beyond amazing. I have two books with daily readings that I meditate on. The first one that day was about the friendship of Christ and how He never leaves or forsakes us. The second one was about how God puts us often through the fire to purge us of things that are not of Him. As contradictory as those might seam I felt as if I were living them both at that very moment. I was being given to the flames in way with my ear, but the presence of God was so profound, so abundant and loving, that I actually did not care. I wrote that day,"as the need is in me, so is God present offering Himself as the fulfillment of my deepest prayers. Thank you God, oh Consuming Fire, oh Constant Friend!"
That day I called a few potential doctors on the approved physicians list and found one that was accepting new patients and made an appointment for Friday morning. I would have to see the Physician's Assistant this time but that would have to do. I called the insurance company and got myself reassigned to that medical group. The whole day I was filled with the peace of the Holy Spirit. I was going through a fire but I was not alone. It was awesome! That night my husband assured me that God would heal me. He was praying for it. I believed it, but there was a part of me that was actually enjoying it. Not the discomfort and disorienting effects on my ear, but the awesome presence of God. If this is what it takes to hear from God, I would gladly sacrifice a little hearing loss. My husband was happy I was hearing from God, but he insisted, "yes but God IS going to heal you."
Friday morning I spent my time with God on the couch in my apartment but He was just as profoundly present. I often struggle with taking God with me when I leave the beach. It's easy to rest in God looking at the ocean, but once you start driving in LA traffic, faith gets tested. Even more so when I hit the non- stop pace of my job. But there He was with me in my living room. And He went with me to the doctors office too. I was filled with peace, joy even. They tested my hearing. My right ear was fine, but I had lost 25% of the hearing in my left. The lower tones were gone which explained why everything was so shrill and pitchy. Twenty five percent in four days. The likely cause, a random virus that had attacked the ear. "We have to treat it fast," said the Physicians Assistant, "the treatment is a bit harsh. High doses of prednisone for two weeks. The side effects are tough. But if we want any chance of reversing this we can't wait." This was the first suggestion that my hearing loss, already one quarter gone, could be permanent. But within me there was such an inexplicable stillness and peace that it registered only as the barest flicker. I truly did not care. 75% was hardly total deafness. I could live with that. Especially if it meant I would hear from God and feel His presence so constantly. "But God is going to heal you," said my husband again as I talked to him from the pharmacy while waiting for my prescription.
Friday night, for no particular reason I downloaded a book on fasting and prayer. Pastors Mel and Desiree at our church (In His Presence in Woodland Hills, CA) had spent an entire month on the subject in January. A lot of people in the church had fasted for different periods of time. I felt drawn to do it, but I kept brushing it off. I was praying to be filled with the Holy Spirit, I didn't have time for that fasting stuff. A week before my cousin James had posted a photo of his reading list on Facebook, a stack of books on faith. The bottom one, the foundational one you could say, was called "Fasting for a Breakthrough". The title and subject had been poking its way into my thoughts for days, but I did not really make the connection. The short book I downloaded was from a different author, but it pretty much condensed exactly what our Pastors had been preaching.
God let it marinate in me all day Saturday as I spent the day with my Goddaughter Mina. We went to the Kidspace Museum in Pasadena. There are wonderful hands on educational exhibits. At one point she lifted a large seashell to my left ear. "You can hear the whales in this one!" But the low echoed tones from the large shell were among those I had lost. I shifted the shell to my right ear, "ah, now I hear it!" I said. The puzzled look on her face stung me a bit. Something inside me asked, "do you really want it to be this way for the rest of your life?" I pushed it aside. I was grateful for this trial. God was with me. I had not even experienced a single side effect of the prednisone. Praise The Lord! No reason to complain or feel sorry for myself!
Today, Sunday morning, my readings were on the necessity of obedience in order to experience the Holiness of God. There it was suddenly clear as day, I needed to fast. For a whole month God had spoken to me through our Pastors to fast. It was the path to being filled with His Spirit. The answer I had been praying for, I had also been steadfastly avoiding. I was one of those of whom Christ said, "you have ears, but you have not heard." And so to get me to listen, God struck my hearing. Finally after six days, the message was getting through. I spoke to my husband about it. "I think God wants me to fast. One day per week at least through Lent. Maybe longer. But that's what He's asking." I confessed that I'd felt pulled to do it in January but had avoided it. He admitted the same. He'd never been brought up on the concept in his childhood church so it was a bit foreign to him. I had learned it, but I was just lazy.
I made the decision to obey right then and there. But I was still holding onto my hearing loss like a spiritual security blanket.
We went to church and both Pastors Mel and Desiree were speaking together about healing. Seriously, how much more in my face could God get with these two! They shared their own experience of healing and reviewed scripture after scripture on healing. They were wearing me down but I did not realize it at first. Then they said something that cracked the shell on my brain. "God does not want you to be sick. You are the temple of God. He wants you to be whole." I don't know if those were the exact words, but that's what I heard in my spirit. At the end everyone who needed healing was asked to stand. I admit it was kind of hard to let my precious little crutch go, but God was asking for it. And I wanted and needed to obey. I stood and asked God to heal me. I didn't notice a change but decided to believe for it anyway.
After church I began to run a few errands. I could feel God with me. I must have had a blissful look on my face because total strangers were smiling at me for no apparent reason. Everywhere I went I prayed for God to give me someone to be good to. At one point as I was driving a song began to play on on the radio. It's a Christian station, so everything is uplifting. With the first notes, I felt a pop in my left ear. A few seconds later two more smaller pops. My hearing was restored. Crazily the title of song, (which is actually about relationships being healed, not bodies) was Restore.
I laughed out loud, "God! You just healed me didn't you!?" I tested it out when I got home by playing back an old voicemail on my cellphone. Both ears sounded the same. I guess I finally I got the message.
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