Waking Up Angry

I woke up angry today.  And my anger was a mirror.

I’ve been reading Andrew Murray’s The Ministry of Intercession: a Plea for More Prayer. Last night, there was a passage that struck me as poignant. When speaking of the lack of a prayer life among Christians, Murray listed among many reasons that it is because “we have little taste for fellowship with God.” 

How sad, I thought. How heartbreakingly sad! I felt the unmistakable prick of a sharp truth hitting my heart. Well surely I am not that bad. It’s not like I’m not making an effort. I dutifully begged God to give me a deeper hunger for prayer. Then I slept. Into the mirror dream I went.

I was standing before a small class of about 20 or so adults. The teacher had left and put me in charge of the lesson. I opened my notes and began to try to teach. The class was a bible study group of some kind and I was using a text book and my journals to expound upon the lesson. I remember thinking how awesome and life changing my lesson was going to be.

The only problem was that no one was paying attention. Several people were having private conversations. Some were looking off into space. A few were looking at me but their disinterested stares told me their minds were elsewhere. As I began to speak, one guy got call on his cell phone. Instead of silencing it, he answered and began a rather loud conversation with the caller. I motioned for him to leave the room. He got up in a huff and moved toward the door making a snide comment about me as he left. As soon as he was out the door I opened my mouth to speak and was met by the sound of music. I looked over to find another guy listing to a boom box and singing along. I yelled at him to turn it off and he looked angrily at me as he complied.

I began again but more conversations were taking place and they were louder. I could feel my anger growing. Then the teacher returned to the room. As soon as she entered the class settled down. That only made me more angry. I began to rage at them:

“Oh, I see! As soon as someone you really respect comes into the room then you pay attention. But when it’s just me you don’t care. All that stuff about my gifts and talents, me being anointed to be a writer that was just lies. The truth is you don’t care what I have to say!”

No one responded. They just looked blankly at me.

“Fine! Well since I have your attention let’s go to the book.”

We all opened our text books. The title of the chapter was: Grace.

I opened my mouth to speak and heard the teacher suddenly chirp up.

“Oh! That reminds me. Everyone, we’re going to have cake at 1pm! It’s my daughter Graces’ birthday!”

I was apoplectic. Interrupted AGAIN! Ignored AGAIN! Disrespected AGAIN! I felt my blood boiling. I wanted to beat every single one of them over the head with that book.

And then my alarm went off. So I woke up angry.

I dragged myself to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. I looked weary. I was still mad. And then like running water over a dusty surface my anger revealed me to myself.

I saw myself at church during praise and worship, singing “Christ is enough for me!” while thinking “bananas, milk, oj, fish, chicken” as I made up my grocery list in my head. I heard my thoughts on “I forgot to pay that bill…” as our Pastor preached a message. I remembered how often my prayer time drifted into day dreaming.  I counted the hundreds of times I’ve gone to pull up my Bible app on my iPad only to end up checking email for an hour. I relived the days when I’ve been at the beach for my devotional time with God and spent it rehearsing an argument I’d had with someone…or planned to have.  I cringed at all the times I swore I was gonna do a fast for spiritual clarity and ended up only doing a juice cleanse.  I mourned every time I’d made myself too busy to pray with someone when I felt God ask me to. I saw myself in my discipleship group listening to another woman speak from the depths of her heart while planning out some “deeply spiritual” response only to realize I’d missed half of what was said and now couldn’t remember the name of the person speaking. I saw my mind wander while someone next to me prayed the fire and favor of God into the room. 

I saw myself and I cried.  In these ripples of myself God had spoken: Interrupted. Ignored. Disrespected. Again. 

How many times had I done that to Him? The realization of it is devastating.

He asks only for my undivided attention at those times.

Could I not be still and simply know Him as God?

He wants to be important enough to me that I would chose to forget everything else.

Could I not watch and pray with Him one hour?

He wants to be loved, respected and cherished.

Could I not seek with my whole heart, Him who offers me His very life?

It only took a few minutes for me to lose my patience with that class. I was ready to hurt someone. And yet time and time again I do exactly this to the God I love. But He does not lift a finger to hurt me. He does not turn his Grace into a weapon to "teach me a lesson" with as I wanted to do by beating the class with that textbook.

He Forgives AGAIN! He Invites AGAIN! He Loves, AGAIN!

To see oneself in the Light of such a one as Christ is to view your own wretchedness.

To see Him love that wretchedness is to glimpse His Glory.

I am humbled and heartbroken. My righteousness is indeed filthy rags. I am fake. I am shallow. I am selfish. But God; He is real. He is deep. He is giving. How terribly I have treated Him. He does not deserve this. I have been cruel, yet He has been constant.

What is most strange and wonderful about this angry wake up call is that I am deeply convicted and yet in no way condemned. How beautiful He is to reveal the ugly truth in me in such a way that I might embrace it with tearful and ready repentance. It is only God who can show truth this way. He corrects those whom He loves. And, oh how He loves me.

So although I am broken, I am also exalted. For now that I know, I am determined to change. I cannot bear to continue hurting Him this way. But I am not able. If a change is to come, He will have to change me. I am certain that He did not show me this flaw in my nature so that I could torture myself into perfection.

I know that He is saying: “Now this is what I’m going to work on next in you. Get ready!”  He just wants me to know so that I’ll cooperate with the process. And I will. I most definitely will.  Because I’m awake now and I can see myself clearly.

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.

2 Corinthians 3:17