Happy.

I'm a little bit giddy at the moment. And a touch discombobulated at the same time.

Like most people I've been conditioned by a lifetime of linking my emotions to my circumstances. It makes sense on the surface. When things are going great, I'm happy. When things are going to hell, I'm depressed, stressed and/or angry. At least that's what I've come think of as normal.

Which is why I'm so discombobulated right now. Chaos has cut loose and I feel... wow, I can't even find the words... elated, joyful, peaceful, excited... I think I'll return to the word I started with... happy. And if it was just me I'd chalk it up to something hormonal. But it's not. My husband is feeling the same way.

Over the last year we've both really committed ourselves to going deeper with God. Which is an easy way of saying we wanted to get our hands, our hearts and our lives so completely lost in whatever it was that He wanted from us that we just didn't care about anything else. In prayer, both individually and together we asked Him to make us joyful and obedient no matter what our circumstances.

Now when you pray for something like that and you tag on "no matter what our circumstances" you are quite literally "asking for trouble." Because as I said, we already knew how to be happy when things were good. He didn't have to teach us that part. "No matter what our circumstances," really means "make us happy, grateful, obedient and peaceful when things really suck and we can't see a way out based on our own abilities and we have no strength of our own to carry on." That is a dangerous prayer. Because the only way for God to answer it is to pretty much wreck your circumstances and break you down and then hold your hand through it.

We knew that going into it. We knew we were risking a lot but we believed that we would gain something far more valuable... prosperity, health, a future, but above all.... God Himself.  But I for one and I'm sure my husband too, was feeling a little apprehensive about it. I don't particularly care for suffering, trials and tribulations. Stress is not fun. And when you ask God for something like that you are opening up a door to the great unknown. He will ALWAYS ask more than we are ready to give. But in return He promises more than we could ever hope ask or imagine. Now I have high hopes, I ask for a lot from Him and I have a pretty good imagination, so I figure whatever He's got in store is going to blow our minds.

So that is what we set our hearts on. We were honest with Him about it though. I told Him straight out I wasn't going to like a lot of what He asked of me. I told Him I was scared of Him taking away "something really important." I was too scared to even name what that might be, but I could think of a few things... some of which are actually happening right now.  Still we didn't rescind our prayer. We kept putting it out there.

 He put us through a few test runs. A trial here. A sickness or injury there. A financial crisis. A work worry. A lot of which we failed miserably in the "keeping a  good attitude" department. We'd complain, cry, toss and turn in our bed and stress out. Not all of them, though. We had a few victories where we stayed peaceful. But I doubted myself. Largely, because I always had a plan; the "just in case God doesn't help us out on this one" plan. He always did but I was getting more comfort from my plan than I was from God's promise so I kind felt a little bit like a phony. I needed to come to a place where my plans fell flat. Where all the resources at hand were exhausted and all we had was God.

And that is where we are. And I have to say, I'm not sure why I was so worked up over it. This is awesome. I could write out the laundry list of struggles and tests that we are undergoing right now but it would distract from the true beauty of this experience. I don't want you to pity us...trust me you'd be floored if you knew it all. But I don't want that. I want you to praise Him. Because this is utterly amazing. And I would not for the life of me have it end too soon. Is that insane? To embrace a hardship for the sake of basking in the joy of the Lord? To want to linger just a bit longer in the battle just to watch how magnificently He fights on our behalf.

We are like two quivering sparrows sitting untouched in the palm of God's hand looking on while a hurricane rages around us. It is an incredible and glorious experience. I would if I could place all the suffering and hardship I could upon those I love if only they could share this intimate joy of the sweetness of the presence of God. It is that good! Honestly, my theme song right now is Pharrell's Happy.

I'm not gonna lie. I have my moments. We both do. Thoughts start to creep in and worry begins digging at our thoughts like borrowing worms. Our plans start forming only to fall apart when some new concern arises that we had not anticipated. We look at each other and cry out to God, "when is this gonna end?!" But then the word of God, which we have been studying more and more closely, rears up like a mighty stallion and carries us off to a place where we can rest at peace.

The almost daily arrival of some new struggle has gotten more and more comical lately. We know God is allowing these attacks for His glory and for our good. We know He will repay us many times over for what the enemy now takes from us. But it is actually pretty funny when you put these light momentary afflictions along side the sheer Goodness and Power of God and then make an attempt to worry. It just saps all the energy out of your worry muscles. God is too great. Too wonderful. It's so easy to praise Him and thank Him in advance for handling it all. In fact, it's infinitely easier to worship than to worry, and we sleep better too.

Please do not think that we are experiencing any of this because we are perfectly good, piously obedient or anything of that nature. The power to go through this is coming from Him alone. We still make mistakes and He still forgives and corrects us. That's the wonder of it. It's all God. The Power, the Persecution and the Peace are all a single Promise fulfilled by His word and He is living it out in us. If you are struggling, I urge you to give it to Him. He wants it; and what He offers in return is wonderful.

John 16:33 (AMP)
I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have perfect peace and confidence. In the world you will have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer (take courage, be confident, certain, undaunted)! For I have overcome the world. I have deprived it of the power to harm you and have conquered it for you.