Weak
Lately I've been oppressed by my failures. I have set goals that I have not met, tasks have gone unfinished, time spent unwisely, money spent frivolously, thoughts gone untamed, diet and exercise compromised, worry run rampant, hope buried under self condemnation, faith obscured by circumstance. I am bent low under this burden partly because I know better. I am ashamed because I know God is greater than this. I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
But I still fail. I fail because even when I think I am trusting Him there is still so much reliance on Me that I dilute His power. And then, inevitably, I waver. I lose my resolve. Things get to me. I get tired. People piss me off. I get disappointed. And the ground beneath me turns to sand and shifts under my feet til at last the bottom falls out.
Hopelessness, Doubt, Anger, Condemnation, Despair, Bitterness...all these and more come tumbling down upon me like boulders. The wreckage piled up like burial stones on a half lived life. I go to God and present myself, an utter failure.
Was I always this bad? And the truth is, yes, I was. But before I really knew Him it never used to bother me. I just muddled along calling it "a bad mood" or "a tough day" or blaming it on hormones, the economy and other people. Now knowing Him I am wrecked for normal, because I know it does not have to be this way. I have tasted the sweetness of Grace and there is for me no going back.
And yet I struggle to move forward because self is a warlord who does not surrender quietly. I am weak and I have been made ashamed of my weakness because it causes me to fail to please God. I know that sounds harsh, as if I am being too hard on myself. And I am because my "self" is not capable of perfection on its own. But I am not alone. It's not just me. I have access to Jesus and yet I have not often been able to connect to Him in the way that allows me to please Him as I so dearly want to. So I wallow in shame and beat my breast over my weakness.
But recently God reminded me: "My strength is made perfect in your weakness."
"Yes, yes. I know," I said at first brushing it off as something I already knew, "apart from You I can do nothing. Got it." But I didn't get it, I was missing His point completely. So He said directly, "your weakness and failure, My love, is all a part of the plan. I must have that! For that is where I enter in and perfect My Strength. Without it we can not truly be together."
Praise God for Revelation!
So I now begin to see my weakness in a whole new light. My sins can be repented and forgiven in an instant. But the weaknesses that causes them need not bury me in despair. They are to be cherished for they are the Gates through which He enters.
"Lift up your heads oh you Gates, and let the King of Goly come in!"
The boulders that toppled down on me and threatened to be my memorial stones, have now become an alter to The Lord. And the stones of failure are covered with the wood of the cross. Oh let me drench that wood with tears of repentance. Let me offer a sacrifice of praise, thanksgiving, and prayer. And my God, that Mighty Consuming Fire, will descend and purify me with His very Self. I am made acceptable and pleasing to Him not by my strength but by His alone filling my weakness to the full.
But I still fail. I fail because even when I think I am trusting Him there is still so much reliance on Me that I dilute His power. And then, inevitably, I waver. I lose my resolve. Things get to me. I get tired. People piss me off. I get disappointed. And the ground beneath me turns to sand and shifts under my feet til at last the bottom falls out.
Hopelessness, Doubt, Anger, Condemnation, Despair, Bitterness...all these and more come tumbling down upon me like boulders. The wreckage piled up like burial stones on a half lived life. I go to God and present myself, an utter failure.
Was I always this bad? And the truth is, yes, I was. But before I really knew Him it never used to bother me. I just muddled along calling it "a bad mood" or "a tough day" or blaming it on hormones, the economy and other people. Now knowing Him I am wrecked for normal, because I know it does not have to be this way. I have tasted the sweetness of Grace and there is for me no going back.
And yet I struggle to move forward because self is a warlord who does not surrender quietly. I am weak and I have been made ashamed of my weakness because it causes me to fail to please God. I know that sounds harsh, as if I am being too hard on myself. And I am because my "self" is not capable of perfection on its own. But I am not alone. It's not just me. I have access to Jesus and yet I have not often been able to connect to Him in the way that allows me to please Him as I so dearly want to. So I wallow in shame and beat my breast over my weakness.
But recently God reminded me: "My strength is made perfect in your weakness."
"Yes, yes. I know," I said at first brushing it off as something I already knew, "apart from You I can do nothing. Got it." But I didn't get it, I was missing His point completely. So He said directly, "your weakness and failure, My love, is all a part of the plan. I must have that! For that is where I enter in and perfect My Strength. Without it we can not truly be together."
Praise God for Revelation!
So I now begin to see my weakness in a whole new light. My sins can be repented and forgiven in an instant. But the weaknesses that causes them need not bury me in despair. They are to be cherished for they are the Gates through which He enters.
"Lift up your heads oh you Gates, and let the King of Goly come in!"
The boulders that toppled down on me and threatened to be my memorial stones, have now become an alter to The Lord. And the stones of failure are covered with the wood of the cross. Oh let me drench that wood with tears of repentance. Let me offer a sacrifice of praise, thanksgiving, and prayer. And my God, that Mighty Consuming Fire, will descend and purify me with His very Self. I am made acceptable and pleasing to Him not by my strength but by His alone filling my weakness to the full.
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