This is me talking

I have come to the realization that speaking is not my gift. Not in everyday conversation, not when discussing my feelings, nor when standing up against something that is not right. And particularly so when it comes to talking about God. I know that's a bit shameful to admit, but it's true. I do myself no service in denying it.

 More often than not my mouth opens and a foot flies up out from under me and into the hole in my face. I am wordy by nature when I write. So when I try to speak of something important, something close to my heart, the words often tumble out unedited or not well thought out.

Part of it is that conversation seldom affords the opportunity to sit in quiet reflection on a topic and carefully select your words. It demands a responsiveness and spontaneity that precludes the lively volley of common banter that is the hallmark of a good conversationist.

Conversation is simple, the rich vocabulary words that I adore would be out of place or come off as pretentious. My inner voice is so very different from the one I use day to day, that I could almost be two people. I shudder to think what this very essay would sound like were I to attempt to explain it over the water cooler.

Then too, there is the audience factor. I edit my speech and often its meaning as I go, based on the response both verbal and nonverbal. I'm a people pleaser. That is perhaps my biggest weakness. It is the flip side to being a "peacemaker". It of course denotes a lack of conviction. But to leave it there and accuse myself runs the rebound risk of becoming insufferable and judgmental. 

Lack of conviction of ones beliefs is not the only button missed when putting on the armor of God. There is also wisdom wanting... and patience. At times when I have shared my faith, there is the habit of relying on my own ability to reason the listener into understanding. But my ability is not the thing, nor for that matter is reason, when it comes to the more unreasonable aspects of God. I am caught between my own ongoing struggles and the desire to not appear the hypocrite. My passion for God and my desperation to preserve my image, manifest in a tangled mess of words and emotion that end up doing more harm than good. Only God's wisdom and patience can guide me thorough. For with wisdom one can discern ones own heart. And with patience one can retreat into silence after brief but gentle words and trust God to breathe life into what you have said. It is, in a sense, prayer.

Perhaps that is the key. To retreat completely from conversation, or the idea of it at least. I don't have to have an answer for everything. I am not a debater or orator. But prayer is another thing altogether. To look another in the eye and gently, slowly, with great care and tenderness speak words of love. And after speaking answer little but trust that it is enough. And know that He who speaks to hearts is never silent.